Archive for June, 2012

The Good Girl/Bad Girl Split

Saturday, June 30th, 2012

I know guys, you want it all.  As that rapper tune says (I’m paraphrasing)- ‘I want a lady on the streets but a freak in the bed’.  Really?  Cause according to my sources, you think she doesn’t exist.  Maybe that’s one of the reasons you (all of us really, but I’m talking to the guys here today)  have so many affairs.  You think you can’t have both in one person.  Well, you can, but you’ll have to change some of your thinking to get there.  It’s kinda like the Virgin Mary/Mary Magdalene split.  They called Mary Magdalene a whore.  She wasn’t a whore.  She was a sexual being, yes, but far from a whore.  Do you really need the Virgin Mary to raise your kids?  Do you really need a whore in your bed?

The incorrect thinking all goes back to those Puritan values that we just can’t seem to get out of our minds.   Sex is bad.  It’s evil.  You’ll go to hell.  No WONDER you have trouble having the woman you have amazing sex with and the woman you play house with be one and the same.  Who wants to live with a whore?

Well, lucky for you, I am here to spread the truth: Sex is good.  God is pro-sex. ( I know I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating.)  In fact, we should ALL be having more sex.  It brings us closer to God.  We’ve all been told lies for so long that we almost forgot what the truth was.

A woman doesn’t have to be a complete sexual freak to be sexy.  And she doesn’t have to be a prude to be a wife and mother.  Maybe she’s just an ordinary woman who can get very heated with passion at times and very tender and loving as a wife/girlfriend/mother at others.  It doesn’t have to be so black and white.  A woman doesn’t have to be one or the other; she can be both.

So if you have a woman who is really ‘frisky’ as they say, consider yourself lucky.  She is just what you wanted, right?  And she can be many things to you.  She can be your wife, if you want.  She can be the mother of your children. She can be your sexy lover.  It’s the New Era.  If sex is good, then she is good.  And someone who’s good can be your wife or life partner and bear your children too, right?

If you have a woman who is a little more reserved in the bedroom, perhaps she thinks it is not appropriate for her to be on the wild side and still be your life partner.  You can’t change her thinking, but you can do your part by changing your own.  Often times, when you make a change for the better in yourself, it rubs off on your partner too.

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Don’t Give Yourself Away

Tuesday, June 26th, 2012

I have this little plastic heart in my house.  My daughter gave it to me years ago.  It’s a container.  It’s one of those things I’ve kept not because I really wanted a little plastic heart (I’m a big minimalist when it comes to “stuff”), but for sentimental reasons.  I’ve had the heart in the love corner of my house according to the principles of feng shui.  I figure it can’t hurt.  Inside the heart I keep a red piece of paper with a vow on it.  It’s not a wedding now, but rather a vow I made to myself not to give my heart away anymore.  That doesn’t mean not to have an open heart, that’s different.

Let me tell you what the paper says and then I’ll explain:  “This is my heart in which I hold all of my love for myself.  I can only love another if I hold onto this.  This is where my power lies, in knowing that I am lovable and loved.  I reclaim it now.  I vow to hold it tenderly, always.”

I wrote that when I had just gotten out of a relationship in which I gave too much.  After that, I had one in which the other person gave too much.  This got me thinking about how when relationships are so unbalanced like that, they never seem to work out.

Can you relate to this?  Have you ever been the person who was giving too much?  The one who, for instance, insisted on paying for everything.  Or the one who let the other person make all the decisions in the relationship.  Or the one who made all the “sacrifices”.  Oooh, I hate that word.  So victim-y!  Or the one who offered almost all the physical affection.  I think you know what I’m getting at.

I’m not saying that everything has to be tit for tat, that if you gave your partner three massages, your partner should give you three massages.  What I am saying is that it’s better if things are not be so unbalanced that you both know who is the giver in the relationship and who is the receiver.  It’s important for both of you to be comfortable in both roles.

Nor am I saying that giving in a relationship is bad.  Not at all.  I’m saying when you are practically the only one giving, that is a red flag that something is wrong in the relationship.  Usually, I think it indicates that you are not feeling worthy.  That you are insecure in the relationship, or all your relationships.  That you feel that you somehow have to earn the other person’s love or affection. That you feel you are not enough without giving and giving and giving.  That you must do something to endear yourself to the other person.

Here’s the thing about that:  you are already lovable simply because of the fact that you are a beautiful soul inside a body.  When you know who you really are, you realize that.  You are part of God(dess) and God(dess) is part of you.  And until you realize that and love yourself just for being you, having a conscious, loving relationship is impossible.

I’m interested to hear what your thoughts are on this.  Do you recognize this pattern in either yourself or another in a current or past relationship?  How do you think that served the relationship, or hindered it?

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“Baggage”- How Much is too Much?

Saturday, June 23rd, 2012

Let’s imagine you start dating a new man or woman, and based on things you are finding out, you start to ask yourself the age-old question: Does the person have too much”baggage”?  In my opinion, the answer is: it depends.  Everyone has some baggage.  I don’t care who you’re talking about.  At least one “bad” thing happened in everyone’s childhood, and everyone has had at least one negative experience in a romantic relationship.  So, if you’re looking for someone who has no baggage, go back to fairytale land and find Cinderella.  Oh, no, wait. Her mother died and she had an evil stepmother!  See what I mean?

If you’ve accepted that the person’s background is not going to be perfect, period, you may still be wondering:   how much is too much when it comes to baggage?  I’m about to make a bold statement here.  There is no such thing as too much, depending on how the person handled it.  Here are the good signs to look for, now matter how sordid their past:

1.  They appear to have learned from the experience.  Although he or she may have had some rocky roads in the past, they clearly have the ability to learn from it.  They have changed the way they relate to others and the world, for the better, as  a result.

2.  They are introspective.  By that I mean, they either sought professional help to learn more about their problems and how they can create a better life in the future, or they have done this work on their own through things like reading and talking to friends.

3.   They have an internal “locus of control”.   This means that the person carries the belief that they are basically the creator of their own life.  (The opposite would be someone who sees themselves as a victim.)

4.   They have a bright outlook for the future.  In other words, even though these negative experiences have happened in their  life, they have  not lost hope or the belief that having a healthy, happy relationship and life is still within reach.

To sum it up, even if the person has had childhood trauma, medical illness, and three divorces, if they meet the above criteria, this still may be a reasonable gamble for you to take.  If, on the other hand, they still seem stuck in the past according to what I’ve outlined above, do NOT, under any circumstances, start to believe that you can be the one to “save” them.  One thing I’m quite sure of (because I tried it one too many times) -that never works!  Instead, you might want to save yourself the heartache now, and move on!

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“Extreme Self Care”

Tuesday, June 19th, 2012

Back when The Oprah Winfrey Show was big, Oprah used to feature a life coach named Cheryl Richardson.  Cheryl used to talk about a concept called “extreme self care”.  In fact, she wrote a book called The Art of Extreme Self Care.  I have not read Cheryl’s book, but I have borrowed the term she coined and I strive to engage in extreme self care daily.

In the study of iridology, people are classified as different types according to what their irises, the colored parts of their eyes, look like.  I am what’s known as a Stream Jewel.  A Stream Jewel has the strongest constitution of all the types and is known to be very productive and task oriented.  That I certainly am!  But as with all Stream Jewels, I also have a tendency to overdo things, to do too much, which in turn affects both my physical and emotional well being.  It is for that reason that I have made extreme self care the main focus of my life.

Even if you are not a Stream Jewel, I highly recommend extreme self care.  It is not only a way of loving yourself, I have also found that when I am taking excellent care of myself I can accomplish at least as much, if not more, than when I’m not.  And I have a higher quality of life in the process.

For me, extreme self care includes things like getting plenty of sleep at night, taking a nap each and every day, spending some time reading every day, spending time outside in nature, daily meditation, prayer, and eating highly nutritional, organic foods.  It can certainly include other things as well, such as getting massages, getting hands on healing, taking herbal supplements, and being careful not to over-schedule myself.

What would extreme self care look like for you?  I know the concept is not popular in our society.  Many times we are told that to engage in such things makes us “selfish”.  I have reframed that to say it makes us self loving.

Many of my clients who are parents have proudly told me that they put their children first.  One client had a whole hierarchy established of who was first, second, etc. in her life.  God was first.  Her kids were second, her partner was on there.  She herself was nowhere on that list.

I have heard many people say that it is their job to put their kids before themselves, because they love their kids and it is their responsibility as parents.  I say the opposite: it is your job to take care of yourself first.  If you don’t make sure that you are not only okay, but actually thriving to the best of your ability, you are doing your kids a disservice.  The better off you are, the better parent, lover, sister, brother, son, daughter, or employee you can be.

It’s kind of like that little movie they play on the plane before takeoff.  You know, the one that shows the passenger putting on her own oxygen mask before putting on her child’s oxygen mask for her.  Apparently, airlines have long known what most of the population doesn’t: you can’t take care of others properly until you have taken care of yourself first.

What do you think?  I know many of you probably believe putting others first is the “right” thing to do.  I prefer not to think of choices in life in terms of either “right” or “wrong”, but rather to think of those choices as: What works best for me now?  How do I feel when I do this, or that?  How can I be the most gentle and loving with myself, therefore having not only the best quality of life for myself, but also being able to serve others to the best of my ability?  I’d love it if you’d share your own thoughts and ideas on the topic.

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A Nighttime Gift

Friday, June 15th, 2012

Last night I was relaxing at home reading my book after a busy day (read: I was tired) when I got a text from my daughter who was studying for a final exam at her dad’s house.  She had been sick the last couple of days, and I’m guessing the only thing worse for a teenager than having to study for finals is having to study for finals while sick.  She was feeling sad and kind of needy; I could tell she wanted me to come over and help her study.  And even though I’d rather do just about  anything than study (I feel like I’m permanently done with forced memorization of material after all the years of school I’ve had), I offered to come over because I love her.  And, because I do understand that no matter how old we are, sometimes when we’re not feeling well, we just want our mommy.

So I made the short trip over and put in a couple of grueling hours as study companion.  She seemed to be in better spirits when I left.

On my way home, it was dark.  I put on my high beams for safety, but also hoping that I might see a deer, which I’d seen several times on that particular road.  After a couple of minutes, I thought I saw some motion rather low down on the right hand side of the road.  But when I looked, I saw nothing.  Just as I was deciding it must have been my imagination, suddenly, as if out of nowhere, I saw an owl take flight from the ground and fly across the road in the light of my high beams, literally 5 feet in front of my car!  I don’t know offhand what kind of owl it was, I think it was one common to the northeast.  It was fairly large and it’s feathers were brown and white.

I had not seen an owl in years and it was quite a thrill for me.  Truth be told, spotting wildlife like that is one of the things that turns me on more than just about anything in life.  My first thought was this: that is my reward for having done such a loving thing for my daughter tonight.  After all, if I hadn’t ventured out to help her, I would never have been driving on that road at that precise moment.  I felt so blessed.

Then I went home, got ready for bed, and went to sleep.  I dreamed that we had a huge snowy owl on our front porch and we were taking turns holding it (like that would ever happen!).

This morning, I woke up wondering about the deeper meaning of my having seen the owl last night. Last year I had written about the snake being my animal totem.  I wonder if it has changed to the owl?  And I wonder what the meaning of the owl is?  There’s a book I know of that has all the animals and their meanings in it. Unfortunately, I don’t own that book.   The obvious meaning for owl, the popular one, is wisdom.  And I DO feel like I’ve been gaining more wisdom lately with the many challenging life experiences I have created.

If anyone out there knows another meaning for the owl, and you would be willing to write to me about it, or simply want to share your own animal totem experiences, I’d love that!

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More Drama Games

Tuesday, June 12th, 2012

Last week I was talking about some games people play on what is called The Triangle, where all drama occurs.  This blog is a continuation of that.  Below is a list of more “games” that may sound familiar and how to avoid them.  Again, in some cases I have used either a masculine or feminine pronoun, but in these games, men and women can- and sometimes do-play either role.

1.  I am Your Master.  Here, you are the Victim and she is the Villain.  If you want to do something, such as go out with the guys, you have to ask her permission, as if you’re a child.  And, if you don’t, or even if you do and she says yes but doesn’t mean it, you are in the doghouse.  Here’s the more adult way of doing things: you are both equals and grownups.  No one has to ask the other’s permission to do anything.  Sure, if you have children or a busy social calendar, you may consult with each other to see if things fit into the family schedule before planning them, but that is different.  In a healthy relationship, you don’t need each other’s approval or permission to do what you want, as long as that thing (such as having other sexual partners) doesn’t break any agreements that you previously have with each other.

2.  Oh, You Poor Thing.  This is the game where one of you is the Victim (as in you feel sorry for yourself because of some aspect of your life) and the other is the Hero.  Let’s say you have a job that you really hate.  So every day you come home and complain about that job to your partner.  Although you may want him or her to “side” with you and tell you what a jerk your boss is, for example, it is not really helping you.  It is just feeding into your seeing yourself as a Victim.  A truly loyal partner would help you discover how and maybe even why you are creating this in your life and how you can create what you really want instead.

3.  You are a Loser.  In this one, there is a Villain and a Victim.  The Villain engages in putting down the Victim, telling him all the reasons why (s)he is a bad partner who will never amount to anything.  It is a version of a game I mentioned last week called It is All Your Fault.  It is an excuse for why the Villain is miserable.  What’s the truth here?  The Villain is miserable because (s)he is choosing to be miserable.  What’s the healthier alternative?  You, again, both take responsibility for the creation of your own lives.  You are responsible for creating your own happiness and success in life and so is your partner.

4.  You are Being Mean to Me.  Again, it’s a Victim/Villain game.  These are very popular.  You  take some truth about your partner (such as the fact that (s)he hasn’t much felt like having sex recently) and you see yourself as being the Victim of it, as if (s)he’s doing it just to make you feel bad, or it’s all because there’s something wrong with you.  In reality, you are not at the effect of your partner’s whims or anything else in this world, but sometimes you might feel like you are.  Or, you could choose to be happy no matter what (s)he does or doesn’t do.

5.  I Don’t Trust You.  This is the game where one of you has an irrational mistrust of the other.  For instance, she gets mad if you look at another woman in public.  Or, she doesn’t want you to have any female friends even though you assure her, and it is true, that there’s no “funny business” going on.  She sees herself as the Victim, even though you are only doing what is natural to you, and you as the Villain.  The solution to that is you both learn to love yourselves, and don’t try to blame the other or make him/her feel guilty for your insecurity and lack of self-esteem.

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Gettin’ Some

Friday, June 8th, 2012

This week I did some public speaking, and two things really stood out for me.  The first was, I remembered how much I LOVE public speaking, and did follow that up with setting an intention to do more of that in the near future.  The second, which is really the subject of this blog was this: the picture painted for me of the sex lives of the group I spoke to was pretty bleak.  There doesn’t seem to be much sex going on in the lives of many long-term couples.

If you, too, fall into the category of wishing that you and your partner were having more sex, I will give a brief synopsis of the three aspects I covered regarding bringing more sexuality and sensuality into your lives.  The three aspects are focusing on self care first, focusing on the relationship, and creating a context where sex is more likely to occur.

Often, in a heterosexual couple, it is the man who wants sex more than the woman.  Men do naturally have higher sex drives.  Although I have heard plenty of stories where the woman is practically begging for sex and still not getting it as often as she wants.

In either case, a good place to start if your goal is to have more sex is with yourself.  (I don’t mean having sex with yourself, but that wouldn’t hurt either!)  What were  you doing in your life the last time you had a higher sex drive?  In general, taking good care of your body and your spirit will make you feel sexy/ more sexual.  This may include things like taking time for yourself, exercising, eating healthy, and indulging your sensual self with things that feel good to you.  How can you expect yourself to feel like having sex, or your partner to feel like having sex with you, if you’re not doing things to make yourself feel good?

Second, give yourselves a little relationship check-up.  Are there any important communications that have been left unsaid between you?  If the channel between you is clogged up, it’s less likely that sex will occur.  Are you spending time together alone as a couple?  (And I mean on a regular basis, not once a month!)  Are you giving each other appreciations, or are the exchanges mostly just about logistics and complaints?  Are you engaging in regular non-sexual touch, or do you mostly only touch each other on the rare occasions when you have sex?

Finally, sex does not just magically happen in people’s busy lives these days.  Sometimes you’ll have to actually do things to create time/space for it to happen.  If you have kids, get a babysitter.  If you can’t afford that, swap babysitting with some friends.  Have a drink together to relax yourselves and put yourselves in “the mood”.  Think creatively about when and where you have sex.  It doesn’t have to be only on Saturday nights in your bed.  Have sex at times of the day when you’re NOT tired.  Make it a priority.  If you wait until bedtime, many times you’ll run out of steam before you finally get everything else done.

Having sex is a bit like eating potato chips.  It seems that the more you have, the more you want to have.  Both men and women will produce more testosterone as a result of having sex.  More testosterone equals higher sex drive.  If you can get the ball rolling a little faster, pretty soon it will feel less like work and more like the pleasure that sex is meant to be.

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Drama Triangle Games and How to Avoid Them

Tuesday, June 5th, 2012

Today I want to talk about what I affectionately call “The Triangle”, this is the place where all drama occurs in relationships.  I first learned about this at The Hendricks Institute, where I went to school for life coaching, and have found it a useful tool ever since.

For a quick lesson, there are three spaces (thus, the triangle); Victim, Villain, and Hero.  The Victim says: ‘Poor me’, the Hero says: ‘Poor you’, and the Villain says: ‘F*** you’.  That’s the short form.  There is another option.  That’s cutting the drama out of your life, and it’s much more fun.  In fact, The Triangle is hardly fun at all.  You get a hit of adrenaline, which goes away really fast and is bad for your body.  So, if you’d rather create good feelings instead, below are a list of some of the common drama games people play and how to ‘just say no’ to them:

1.  Do as I Do.  Ok, this is the one where your partner (playing the Victim) tries to lay a guilt trip on you for not reciprocating something that she/he has done for you.  For instance, (in a whining voice), (s)he may say: ‘I ALWAYS do _______ but you NEVER do’ (insinuating that you are the Villain).  As if there’s some kind of universal law that says we must all keep score in our relationships!  Here’s the enlightened version of giving and receiving in relationships: You freely give when and what you feel inspired to, and your partner does the same.

2.  Oh Yeah, Well I Have it Worse!  This is a very popular one.  It’s been said that most arguments are a race for the Victim position.  So, it goes like this: one of you complains about something, (whining and complaining are the hallmarks of victimhood) and rather than offer empathy the other says something like:’Well how do you think I feel?  I have to ________.’  Here’s the alternative: you both realize that any complaining either of you does is almost like a prayer for more of the thing that you don’t like, and mark whining and complaining off your to do list. Instead, focus on the things you like and appreciate in your life and relationship, thereby creating more of the good stuff.  Now that IS universal law, like attracts like.

3.  It’s All Your Fault.  Sometimes one or the other of you gets in a period of your life that you don’t like.  Maybe she is at home with the baby all day (seeing herself as the Victim) and somehow in her twisted little mind thinks that you are to blame for it (you- Villain).  She resents all the “fun” you are having being out of the house all day interacting with other adults while you work.  You sense her irritation with you and in an unspoken agreement to create drama together you either take on the role of her Hero (‘Oh, honey, you poor thing…’) or Villain (‘I’m out working all day and all you do is complain, you spoiled little brat.’).  Here’s the better choice: you each decide to take 100% responsibility for how you are creating your own lives, and support each other in making them as good as possible.

4.  You Don’t do Things to Make me Happy.  Similar to the last one, but with a more pronounced Victim flair.  ( I will use the feminine pronoun here, but it could go either way.)  She sees you as her knight in shining armor.  You KNOW she likes it when you bring her flowers and chocolates and jewelry, why aren’t you DOING it?!  This is total bullshit!  She expects you to be her Hero.  She was unhappy before she met you, then she fell in love and felt better, now she expects you to be the source of her happiness.  Backwards.  The conscious approach to relationship is that both partners take responsibility for their own happiness.  How can you each feel good about yourselves, and have meaningful relationships in addition to the one with each other?  For some, accomplishing this will take help from a professional, a life coach or therapist.

That’s it for now, some food for thought.  Any of them sound familiar?  I have a feeling there are hundreds of these- I’m just making them up off the top of my head as I go along.  Maybe next week I will think of some more!

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Are You Getting Enough “Quality Time”?

Friday, June 1st, 2012

I know “quality time” is a cliche that people make a lot of jokes about, but I’ve recently rediscovered how important it is to a relationship.  I noticed during my last long term relationship that I was getting more critical of my partner for what seemed like the little stuff.  This is always a sign that something bigger is going on.  I wasn’t REALLY upset that he was leaving the proverbial cap off the toothpaste, and neither are you.  Then something happened which caused me to realize what I WAS really upset about: I was angry that we weren’t spending enough time together.

So, here’s my prescription to make sure you are both getting enough of what you need:

1.  Make it a priority to spend time alone together each week.  I know that life is busy and you have jobs, houses, and maybe even kids to take care of, but if you ignore the importance of this type of time together, it can really take a toll on your relationship and eventually lead to its demise. And I don’t mean watch tv together after dinner.  I mean do something together that includes interaction. Have date night, you know what I mean.

2.  Get away together.  I realize this may sound like a lot, but my prescription here is that you get away alone together at least three weekends a year, preferably four.  Can’t afford it, you say?  Maybe you know someone who has a second home they would let you borrow.  Or, look for a deal.  There are a lot of them out there these days.  Bed and breakfasts are usually cheaper than hotels, and provide more atmosphere.  Save for these events if you have to.  People find money for the things that are important to them.

3.  REALLY get away together.  Do what it takes to have at lease one vacation alone together per year.  Even if it is to your in-laws second home for free.  Even if it in the next state.  Doesn’t matter.  The point is, spending that prolonged amount of time alone rekindles the love and passion that can seem like it’s missing when (s)he does that thing the rest of the year that just drives you mad..

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