Archive for July, 2012

Fifty Ways to Stay With Your Lover

Tuesday, July 31st, 2012

I don’t know about you, but I get bored with doing the same things over and over.  Take food.  I get on “food kicks”  where I love, love, love, eating a particular food.  And then- I don’t.  Currently it’s Caprese Salad for me.  It’s the same with sex.  If you have a long term partner, chances are you have gotten into a sex routine with each other.  You know what works.  You do it.  Over and over….I’m getting bored just thinking about it!  So below are 50 ways to get things exciting again:

1.  Try having sex at a different time of day than usual.

2. Have sex on the kitchen counter.

3.  Take a hike in the woods and have sex up against a tree.

4.  Let your partner blindfold you and tittilate your senses with items found around the house.

5.  Have sex every day for a week- in increases testosterone, which increases libido in both men and women.

6.  If your partner is a man, make out with him a lot.  You will get more testosterone just from his saliva.

7.  Go sex toy shopping together.

8.  Go lingerie shopping together.

9.  While you’re at it, go lingerie shopping at Victoria’s Secret and secretly sneak your partner into the dressing room- you know, the big one with the couch, and get a little frisky on the couch!

10.  Tie your partner up (with permission)  and have your way with him (0r her).

11.  Change roles next time.

12.  Share you innermost fantasies.

13.  Make them come true.

14.  Watch a sexy movie together.  (Nine and a Half Weeks, for example)

15.  Find out about some unusual kind of orgasm (like the lip orgasm, for example) and practice having one.

16.  Have sex on the bathroom counter.

17.  Show up at his/her work, close the door, and do something strictly forbidden.

18.  Go to the strip club together and get a lap dance or seven!

19.  Go to the drive in movies and get hot and heavy in the car like they used to do on Happy Days.

20.  Go out dancing together.  It’s a very sensual thing to do.

21.  Drive separate cars to a public place, pretend you’re just meeting for the first time, and do outlandish things.

22.  Dress up and role play your favoriety fantasy.

23.  Cook dinner for your partner wearing nothing but and apron.

24.  Go to a nearby hotel.  It’s more fun to do it anywhere but your own bed.

25.  Go skinny dipping together.

26.  Go to the movies, sit in the back row, and grope each other in the dark.

27.  Play one of those childhood games- leapfrog comes to mind!

28.  Find out how many foods in your fridge or freezer taste good on your parner’s body.

29.  Let your partner shave you….down there.

30.  Use ylang ylang oil to give your male or female partner a hand job.

31.  If you’re  woman, wear a dress with no panties, go out and tell your partner over dinner what you’re not wearing.  Then, see how fast you can get home.

32.  Or, heck, do it in the car like a teenager.

33.  Do it on your desk.

34.  Take a bath together.

35.  Text your parnter something really sexy at a very unexpected time.

36.  Buy roses, tear the petals off, and take turns showering each other’s naked bodies with them.

37.  Kiss your partner in unexpected places.

38.  Draw a body map for each other with the numbers one to ten on it….have the numbers indicate where you want foreplay to start, then next, then next….

39.  Get something yummy in your mouth, like chocolate pudding, and share in with your mouths during kissing.

40.  Kiss your parter from head to toe, not missing an inch!

41.  Buy a book about sexual positions and try all the ones that won’t put you in traction.

42.  Put on some songs you used to hear when you first met, hold hands, and sing badly while driving in the car.

43.  Get his and hers (or, hers and hers; his and his) massages.

44.  Have a day at home (alone together!) where no clothes are allowed.

45.  Go to a bar and have sex in the men’s room stall.

46.  Wrtite love letters and read them aloud to each other.

47.   Read porn aloud to each other.

48.   Give your partner a sip of champagne- with your mouth.

48.  Try the ol’ Altoids-in-the-mouth-during-a-blow-job.

49.  Get a sex instruction manual and try all the techniques on each other.

50.  Use your imagination, see how many more you can think of!

 

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Meditating Together

Friday, July 27th, 2012

One of the best things you can do for your relationship is to meditate together.  Meditation is a wonderful practice that I strongly recommend for everyone.  Ten minutes a day is all it takes.  There are quite a few fabulous benefits to meditation: clear thinking, better sleep, improved mood, increased intuition, more energy, less anxiety-  just to name a few.  So even if you are single I do suggest that you start meditating every day. If you are partnered perhaps either you haven’t felt as connected as you used to or things are going
great but you want to make them even better. In either case, meditating together daily, or as often as possible, could make a big difference in the quality of your relationship.  Below are a few simple steps to meditating:

1. Get in a quiet place  If your house and workplace are never quiet, use your car or go out to quiet place in nature.

2.  Sit, don’t lie down, either cross-legged if that is comfortable for you or with your feet flat on the floor.

3.  Put your hands palms up on your legs and join the index finger and thumb of both hands together lightly.

4.  Keep your spine straight so that your chakras, the energy centers that run from your tail bone to the crown of your head, are aligned.

5.  Close your eyes.

6.  Take three deep breaths in through your nose, allowing your belly to expand as you do. With each breath, hold it for three seconds, think of something you want to release (ie, a grudge, despair, worrying) and let it go on your outbreath, which is also through your nose.  During meditation, all of your breathing is through your nose, as this sends the message to the body that all is well.

7.  For the remainder of the time, just focus on two things as you continue to take slow, conscious breaths in and out through your nose.  Focus on the breath itself, and also on your third eye.  Your third eye is one of your chakras that is located on your forehead between your eyebrows (perhaps a bit above).  Look at your third eye while you are meditating.  You may literally see an eye that is indigo blue, the color of that particular chakra., other colors, or images there.

8.  As the thoughts come, don’t fight with them.  Don’t try to push them away. This will only make them come back stronger.  Simply acknowledge them and let them go.  You want to allow the clutter in your mind, what we call resistance, to simply drift away.  You are left with your natural state of joy.

It is best to meditate at either dawn or dusk if you can.  You will benefit whether you do it alone, with a partner, or with a friend. If you do it with others, however, your energies will blend in the space as you are each engaged in the mediation process and this will bring you closer together.  (That is another example of Synergistic Energy Exchange!)  Don’t get frustrated or give up if you notice your mind wanders a lot. That is completely normal, especially at the beginning. That is why we call it the practice of meditation. Stick with it and you will find that for very little effort and time invested you can significantly improve the quality of your life and your relationships.

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Does God Believe in White Lies?

Tuesday, July 24th, 2012

In case you’re wondering, yes, this IS the kind of stuff I wonder about in my spare time.  But not for no particular reason.  A few things have happened that got me thinking about it.  First, our spirit guides have told us during channeling that they get their information from Source.  Then, I was reading a book called Mary’s Message to the World by Annie Kirkland.  It’s a channeled book.  In it, Mother Mary says some things that sound  more like traditional Catholocism than truth.  So I asked my guides about it.  In my mind, Mary wouldn’t lie, but then again, neither would my guides.  They said that in fact Mary had gone with some of the more traditional beliefs which aren’t exactly true, due to the audience that she was speaking to.  She knew if she said too many things that contradicted religious beliefs, the book would be rejected by many readers.  And she wanted to get her message out, so she compromised.   I assume that if spirit guides are informed by God, so are Ascended Masters like Mother Mary.  Then my friend asked her guides what she should do about a situation at home.  She didn’t want to go back to work right away after being laid off, as she was in a period of rapid spiritual growth, learning to channel, and all that.  At the same time, her husband was worried about money.  Every day he would come home and ask her if she’d looked for a job that day.  Our guides told her to tell him she was looking for a job even though she wasn’t, or wasn’t consitently doing so, at least.

I have gone to all ends of the spectrum with truth telling and lying.  I was always a fairly honest person.  I was the kind of person that would tell the cashier if they gave me too much change back, or didn’t charge me enough for something.   Then, in my mid-thirties,  I started cheating on my husband while I was married.  At that time, I was telling lies left and right.  They were just rolling off my tongue.  I’m not advising that anyone do this;  it was very bad for me, him, and our relationship.  I later went to life coaching school, where they emphasized telling the “microscopic truth”.  I became honest to the point  that others thought I was crazy.  I told my ex-husband about my infidelity. ( I don’t regret that, by the way.)

Now, I’m saying to myself, hmmmm, maybe there are circumstances in which it’s okay to tell a “white lie”.  I mean if it’s good enough for God and Mother Mary, maybe it’s really alright sometimes.  I have talked about this concept with a number of people.  There are varying opinions on whether it is okay to tell a white lie.  I’d say most folks do it at times and don’t feel guilty about it.  What do you think?  I’m very curious as to what experiences you’ve had with truth telling versus lying.  What results have you created with each?

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The Truth About Polyamory

Saturday, July 21st, 2012

The other day I was thinking about polyamory (something I often do), and what I landed on is that many people hold beliefs about polyamory without having much or any knowledge or experience of it.  Below, I will name a few of these beliefs, and shed some light on the true nature of polyamory:

1.  Polyamory is all about sex.  Well, no, it’s not.  The definition of polyamory is romantic love with more than one person, honestly, with full knowledge and consent by all involved.  The emphasis is on love, intimacy, and relationship, not sex.  In fact, by some defininitions of polyamory, it is even possible to have a polyamorous partner that does not involve sex at all, simply an intimate, romantic connection.  What some people in monogamous relationships would call an “emotional affair”, except it’s not an affair if everyone knows about it!

2.  Polyamory is another word for swinging.  No again.  Generally, in swinging, couples have an open relationship in which they may have sex with acquaintances, people they newly met, or even complete strangers.  When I was a stripper, I would sometimes get propostitioned by couples that wanted me to come home with them.  Those people were swingers, not polyamorists.  (This didn’t appeal to me, so I said no to it.  However, I have no judment about swingers.  I am simply pointing out the differences between swingers  and polyamorists.)  In swinging, the emphasis IS on sex, not on relationship.  In fact, some swingers insist on only hooking up with another person or couple one time, so that they WON’T develop feelings for each other.  Then they move on to someone new.  In polyamory, on the other hand, couples choose other partners based on feelings of love and connection, and may keep these partners for years, or indefinitely.

3.  People who are polyamorous don’t get jealous.  Not true, again.  Some polyamorists have  little to no jealousy, that’s true.   That’s just who they are.  Others experience higher levels of jealousy, sometimes quite painfully.  Sometimes, a polyamorous person may have varying amounts of jealousy depending on the situation.  Polyamorists are not immune to jealousy.  They get jealous just like monogamists.  The difference is that in monogamy, people tend to avoid or try to rid themselves of jealousy, while in polyamory, jealousy is oftentimes explored curiously, as an experience to learn and grow, rather than shrink, from.

4.  Polyamory is taking the easy way out.  Actually, no.  Polyamorists cannot just have indiscriminant sex with anyone they feel like hooking up with.  Polyamory that works requires a lot of commitment- to honesty, to a LOT of communication, to safe sex,to  facing one’s fears, and to processing some very intense emotions (just to name a few).  Does that sound easy to you?

5.  Polyamorists want to have their cake and eat it too.  Well, DUH!  Yes, they do.  As if that’s a bad thing!  Honestly, I’ve never understood this expression!  Who really wants to just have their cake and stare at it?!  We’ve been taught that it is bad to want too much, that “you can’t have it all”.  Well, who says?  Certainly not God!  Whatever it is that we desire to be, do, or have in this life, we can manifest.  For some, it is more than one loving partner; for others, it may be marriage, kids, and career.

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Wanna Spice up Your Sex Life?

Tuesday, July 17th, 2012

A couple of years back, when my friend and I were doing the Booty Doctors radio show, we had Hercules Liotard, aka The Pleasure Coach on our show as a guest.  Hercules is based in California and specializes in intimate touch, along with sex and intimacy coaching.  I think we had him on twice, actually ’cause we like him so much!  He taught us how to do vulva massage.  If you’ve never done it, as either a giver or receiver, I recommend you read his instructions (which I have paraphrased below) and DO try this at home!  It is a rich and rewarding experience that can create more connection, pleasure and intimacy between you and your partner.  Orgasm is not the goal of vulva massage, although it can be a pleasant side effect :) .

1.  As the receiver, notice what goes on in your brain.  Express it both verbally as well as non-verbally as you’re giving the massage.  Think or yourself as an artist.  Imagine your partner is a piece of clay or a canvas.  During the massage, use different parts of your hands as your art tools.  You can use fingers, palms, knuckles, etc.

2.  Start out by simply visually admiring your partner’s vulva.  This is a sacred practice.  You are seeing her sex as the beautiful, sacred, miraculous gift that it is.  Worship it with your eyes for a minute or so.

3.  Put your hand over her vulva and vagina for a few moments, occasionally applying a little pressure.

4.  Using your thumb and index finger, knead her outer lips (aka labia) up and down several times.  Take your time.  This is not meant to be a quick process.

5.  Do the same with her inner lips.

6.  Now go to her clitoris.  Find an angle your partner likes.  You may use your whole hand here, fingers, palm, tongue…be creative.  You can make circles, tweaks, nibbles…again, there is no rush.  Slow down and enjoy the process, whether you are the giver or the receiver.  Both of your jobs are to simply be in the moment, communicating out loud when appropriate.  As the receiver, expressing your pleasure with your voice will only enhance it.  Let loose.

7.  Then it is time for the vaginal part of the massage.  You can use grapeseed oil for this, which is non-allergenic.  Other options are certain essential oils.  Rose, strawberry, cherry or ylang ylang are good choices.  It’s usually best to avoid mints and lavender.  Slowly insert one finger into her vagina.  Again, be creative, you can do gentle swirls, move your finger in and out, etc., working up to two fingers if that feels good to her.  She’s probably experiencing quite a lot of pleasure by now.  If you want, you can then say something to her like:  “My Goddess, I allow you to have this orgasm.”

8.  Allow the massage to come to a natural, gradual stop.  If you use your intuition, you will know when it is over.  You may or may not choose to have sex afterward.  Sex is also not the goal of vulva massage, although it may occur.

I’d love to hear from some of you about your and your partner’s experience of vulva massage.  To me, it is a truly lovely and unique experience.

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An “Aha” Moment in a Mundane Place

Friday, July 13th, 2012

Sometimes I think I have my most brilliant thoughts on the toilet.  I don’t know what it is.  Maybe it’s when I stop doing, doing, doing and my mind has a chance to quiet down. That makes sense.

So last night I got up to pee in the middle of the night.  I was half asleep.  I think being half asleep helps, too.  Shuts off the “monkey mind”.  And I was just sitting there, thinking absolutely nothing, from what I can remember.  And suddenly something that has never made sense to me suddenly did.  You know that expression:  “The Universe doesn’t understand negatives”?  (In case you’re not familiar with it, it basically means if you DON’T want something to come into your life, don’t put it out there, as in:  “I hope I don’t get into a car accident.”  Whew!  I’m even scared to write that!  The idea is that, whatever you’ve said you don’t want, you will get.)  The part that’s never made sense to me is this:  I know the Universe is not stupid.  So why wouldn’t the Universe be able to understand negatives?  Human beings are bright enough to understand negatives, so why can’t the Universe?  Now, maybe I’m the only one that ever took this saying so literally, but all of a sudden, sitting on the toilet the thought popped into my head that it’s not exactly true that the Universe does not understand negatives.  That is more like an oversimplified explanantion of what is really going on, which in simple terms is the Law of Attraction.  Like attracts like.

In other words, if I say “I hope I don’t get into an accident”, what am I focusing on?  Getting in an accident.  So I am putting myself in the vibration of getting in an accident.  Which I’d have to say is a rather low vibration, right down there at the bottom of the barrel with fear and despair.  And then since I’ve put that particular low vibration out there, it is more likely that I will manifest it.  And especially if I have the same type of fear thought/feeling over and over again.

We’ve probably all seen this kind of negative manifestation before.  In fact, I can think of an exmaple of it myself.  One of my family members had said many times over the years that this or that physical ailment was probably cancer.  After so many times “crying wolf”, so to speak, when he said it to me again several years ago, my response was:  “I’m sure you’re fine.”  I was wrong.  He really, finally, had cancer.  I don’t think this was a coincidence that he had talked about having cancer so many times and then he ended up having it.  What we put out into the Universe comes right back to us.

If you’d rather create what you want in you life instead of what you don’t want, start creating different thoughts and verbablizations.  What’s ever better than “I want to have a brand new car”, for example, is “I am enjoying driving in my brand new car”, or something ot that effect.  Be specific with what you want to manifest.  If you keep saying you want something, that’s exactly what you will create- wanting.  Which, I’ll bet you’ve noticed, is not the most pleasant state to be in ;) .  Instead, make a list of all the positive things you desire to create in your life, convert them to statements (called affimations), like the one above, that reflect those things already being in exixtence, and read them out loud at least once a day.  Then, see what you create!

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Fifty Shades of Dysfunction

Tuesday, July 10th, 2012

As I move through the Fifty Shades Trilogy, I am frequently frustrated by the ridiculousness of the arguments that the two main characters, Ana and Christian, have.  It’s kind of like watching one of those stupid sitcoms, when the characters do the predictable, dysfunctional thing over and over.  And then I rememeber, it’s only a story.  I really don’t need to get so worked up about it.  ;)

What I have noticed about their arguments, though, it that every time, I believe, (it’s hard to keep track, they’ve already had dozens of them) they are caused by one of two things:  one of them either breaks an agreement or withholds information from the other.  And each time, it comes down to fear. She is afraid he’ll forbid her to go out for a drink with her friend, so she does it anyway even though she has previously agreed not to.  He is afraid she is too fragile, so he doesn’t tell her the details of how his psycho ex-sub is stalking her.   And as much as Fifty Shades is unrealistic in the sense that no one would be this crazy in real life, (I certainly hope!),  haven’t we all done that in our relationships?  Haven’t we all broken agreements or withheld important communications out of fear?  And hasn’t this resulted in some kind of unwanted result?

The upside to dysfuntion in relationships, is it provides a contrast to what we really want.  Break agreement….fight like cats and dogs.  Withhold important thoughts and feelings….fight like cats and dogs.  If we get very clear on what we don’t want, we are automatically very clear on what we do want.  It’s opposite.  How, for example, would we create harmony in our relationships (the opposite of fighting)?  By doing the opposite of what created the fights in the first place:  by keeping agreeements and by being transparent.

With agreements, it’s very simple.  If you make an agreement with your partner, keep it or change it.   If you realize you either don’t want to keep an agreement you’ve made, or that you can’t for some reason, simply change the agreement.  Fooling yourself into thinking that you want to make an agreement that you don’t really want to make doesn’t usually work either.  That is called going unconscious, and usually results in breaking an agreement “by mistake”, forgetting to do something you agreed to do, etc.  Again, it’s fear that may prevent you from doing the above.  What if the other person gets mad?  What if the other person is hurt?  Bla, bla, bla.

Transparency, I’d say, is even more challenging for most people.  We tend to have so many fears about being transparent.  Like, worrying that our partner will laugh at us  if we speak our truth.  Worrying that our partner will not love us anymore, or worse yet (gasp!) leave us.  And I do understand the fear.  We’ve all experienced it in relationships.  And yet, the alternative- concealing-  doesn’t work.  What you’re trying to hide will come out in one form or another.

What it all comes down to is this:  are you willing to make your own integrity and happiness more important than your fear?  It’s not a path for the faint of heart.  But if you choose it, you have the opportunity to enjoy unparalleled joy and intimacy in your relationships.

 

 

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Fifty Shades of Progress

Friday, July 6th, 2012

I finally broke down and started reading the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy.  I’m not even all the way through it yet.  And yes, I do have to agree with the critics that the series is not the most well-written, has a lot of typos, and perpetuates the stereotypes of porn sex (those being things like men getting erections five minutes after having sex, women having orgasms at the slightest touch, all the unrealistic and potentially damaging beliefs about what real sex is like.)

For the 1% (haha) of the population that hasn’t read these books yet, they are basically about a man, Christian Grey, and a woman, Anastasia Steeele, fictional characters, who get involved in a strange, wonderful, terrible realtionship in which he introduces her, a virgin, to the world of BDSM and all that goes with it.  Of course, there’s much more to it than that, but I don’t want to spoil it for you.  And I do suggest you read these books!

Despite my agreement with the critics, I can already say that E.L. James, the author, has made a major contribution to the world of sex.  Similar to the way Rhonda Byrne, who wrote The Secret, brought the world of new age woo-woo  to the mainstream arena, E.L. James has done the same with sexual  freakishness.  For Rhonda Byrne, it was about the law of attraction.  For E.L. James, it’s about BDSM.

Everyone, and I mean everyone, is reading these books.  To prove my point, I know a woman who literally carries a bible around in her purse.  Not only that, but she also makes jokes about how if she were to become pregnant it would be the imacculate conception, referring, of course, to the fact that she hardly ever has sex with her husband.  So this woman has read the entire series.   She tells me that it’s going to change my life.  ( I don’t think so, I’ve been exposed to a couple of things already. ;) )  It has changed her life, she says, jsut ask her husband.  Whoa!  If that doesn’t prove it, what does?!  “Freaky fuckery”, to quote Christian Gray,  has gone mainstream!

So what is the benefit of all this?  First of all, I think it cuts down on the stereotypes and misconceptions about “sexual freaks”, if you will. ( And I use that term in the most affefctionate way.)  Also, it has expanded people’s sexual horizons.  As in the example cited above; people who never have dreamed of having kinky sex are exploring their limits.  And, having more sex.  Which can’t be a bad thing.  Sounds like the answer to world peace to me!

I heard that the author, previously a housewife and mother of two,  just sold the rights to a movie for thirty million dollars.  Good for her.  I say, hats off to you E.L. James!

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A New Twist on Independence Day

Wednesday, July 4th, 2012

Tomorrow is the 4th of July, aka Independence Day in America.  As I was reading a blog about Independence Day, I thought:  what if we also treated it as Independence Day for our relationships?  A common source of conflicts in intimate relationships is when one partner wants more independence and the other doesn’t want him or her to have it.

I know of a couple in which the wife gets angry and resentful when the husband does something that is good and healthy for him, which is work out three times a week.  This is not an excessive habit on his part.  He’s not doing it seven days a week for four hours each time.  I’m not saying she’s a terrible person for being the way she is.  Heck, I am embarrassed to admit it, but I was once that angry resentful woman.  I am remembering a time when, before I was even married, my then boyfriend and I would usually spend all our weekends together.  I just assumed we would; it was never an overt agreement that we made, we simply did.  One day we were walking into the building where I lived, and my boyfriend’s friend happened to drive by and see us.  He spontaneously asked my boyfriend if he wanted to go golfing, immmediately.  My boyfriend said yes, and I was not happy.  Later, he told me his friend commented that I looked angry.  Sure, an argument could have been made that it would have been considerate of him to check in with me and see how I’d feel if he went off golfing without me.  But the truth is I had issues.

You may be wondering, why the anger?  Here are several reasons why people get angry when their partners assert some independence:  (And, yes, I’m going to be using the female pronoun here because it is more common in women, but make no mistake, it happens with men too!)

1.  She  has no life.  I can honestly say that was a big part of my problem with my boyfriend going off to play golf.  I had structured my life around him.  I spent almost all my free time around him.  I had neglected my friends to the point where they weren’t a regular part of my life anymore.  Big mistake!

2.  She has abandonment issues.  Oh, I am a textbook case so far.  I had those too.  If your partner lost a parent or had an absense of a parent in her life growing up, whether permanently or temporarily, I can almost guarantee she has abandonment issues.  Unless she’s already processed it enough to be over it, but even that too is in degrees.  Some things in life a person never seems to get over all the way.

3.  She is jealous, which boils down to, she doesn’t trust you/is afraid of losing you.  Whew!  I never had that one.  Although it is very common.  Many women, and men too, don’t like their partners being away from them because they think they’ll be up to no good.  I once went out with a group of women I worked with.  One of them, who was married, literally had a curfew.  Her husband insisted that she be home at a certain time.  Believe me, some people live this way!

The healthiest thing for any couple is that they both have time together and recreational time apart, not just work.  This can accomplished by things like, both partners developing friendships and hobbies outside of the realtionship, if the main obstacle is the first one listed above.  This one is probably the easiest fix.  With the other two, either individual or couples counseling/coaching may be necessary to get at the root of the problem.

Have you ever experienced these issues in your own relationship?  What, if anything, has worked for you as a couple to work them out?

 

 

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