Actually, let me back up here a minute.  You’ve probably noticed I did not spell “come” like this:  “cum”.  I really don’t like that spelling of it.  To me, it cheapens the whole experience and does not describe what is really happening at all.

Also, before I get into what it means, let’s have a review about Who You Really Are.  You are a radiant being.  You are a grand soul.  You are God/dess embodied.  Got it?

So here it is:  when you “come”, you are “coming” home to yourself, to Who You Really Are.  You are becoming one with not only your partner (if you have one, but we all know that is not absolutely necessary) , but with your true Divine essence, and thus with God/dess herself.

Even Abraham has something to say about it.  (Many of you may know of Abraham, but for those of you who don’t, Abraham is a non-physical entity, a group of hundreds of souls, that speaks through a woman named Esther Hicks from San Antonio, Texas.  She travels the country channeling Abraham to large audiences.)  I once heard Abraham say something to this effect:  (I’m paraphrasing here)  “We don’t know one of you who suffers from low self-esteem at the moment of orgasm.”

Think about that.  It’s quite true, isn’t it?  That’s because at the moment of orgasm, you are being Who You Really Are.  You are feeling the immense joy and love that Spirit is.  There’s no room for low-self esteem there.  Low self-esteem is of the ego, and the ego is stripped away at that moment.

And that’s why I suggest that you allow yourself to be in the moment of your sexual experiences, in order to recognize the sacredness of the moment.  Remember, your sexuality is your spirituality.  This can be applied not only to your orgasmic experiences, but also to lovemaking and self-pleasuring in general.

How about you?  Do you like it?  Do you like receiving it?  Do you like giving it?

Recently it has been on my radar that plenty of people, both men and women, do not think they are particularly good at it, and do not enjoy it much.

I think part of the problem here is that they are placing too much emphasis on the technique, seeing it as a “job” and not seeing it as something that can be fun for themselves.  (Really, we should change the name “blow job” to something else….any suggestions?)

What I recommend is that we look at oral sex as something we do because we enjoy it, not necessarily to “give” something to someone.  Perhaps if we stopped worrying so much about the technique and the “performance”, as in “performing” oral sex, it would naturally be more enjoyable.  Going down on someone is not like the Olympics.  There are no judges on the sidelines waiting to hold up cards with numbers on them.  And who cares whether our partners are going to tell their friends that we are “good”, or not?   If we haven’t enjoyed the experience, what is the benefit?

You may not have thought of it this way before, but oral sex is a Godly experience just as all types of S.E.X. are.  It involves a blending of your energy with your partner’s energy, and at the point of orgasm, if that occurs, your partner is also becoming one with God/dess.  That’s why it feels so good!

So here are my suggestions, for everyone- those who enjoy going down on their partners, and those who don’t:

1.  Breathe.  Preferably out of your nose, lol.

2.  Be present.

3.  Let go of preconceived notions about what the experience will be like. Let go of fear that you are not good at this. Let  go of planning your next move.  Just be.

4.  Notice your experience in each moment.  Be mindful.

5.  Notice what is pleasurable for you.  Do what feels good, and fun, to you.  For example, when I am giving a blow job, I like to feel the softness of the skin of the guy’s penis.  It is probably the softest skin on a man’s body.  I like to feel the slipperiness of my mouth moving on his cock.  I enjoy the sensation of his cock sliding into my mouth.  I like to slowly take his whole cock into my mouth, until it presses on the back of my throat.  I enjoy looking at my partner while I am going down on him-  seeing the expression on his face.  I enjoy listening to the sounds he makes.  I enjoy feeling my own body sensations of pleasure.  I enjoy feeling my nipples rubbing on the skin of his thighs.   I love to surprise myself, to be totally free to do whatever I do, perhaps making up new stuff  in the moment…things I’ve never done before that turn out to be really fun.  All of this, and innumerable other things about blow jobs turn me on.

6.  If you’ve done what I suggested and what you notice is all unpleasant to you, or mostly unpleasant, then I suggest you don’t engage in going down on your partner.

7.  If you find that you are enjoying it, I guarantee that you are good at it, and that not only you, but also, your partner will be pleased!

Have you ever thought about why or how all of this came to be?  When did sex, or S.E.X., to more accurately describe it, become something bad?  How is it that we have all been effortlessly brainwashed by our culture to buy into this?

Surely, we didn’t come out of the womb with negative attitudes about sex.  In fact, babies and toddlers, in not stopped from doing so, will touch their genitals simply because it feels good.  And fetuses, who can’t be stopped, have been observed masturbating in the womb….because, after all, it feels good!

I suppose the more important question here besides when (thousands of years ago) or why (due to the agenda of many religions worldwide) is this:  What are we willing to do about it?

I am probably one of the most sex-positive people on the planet.  Yet that does not make me immune to the same cultural influences.  None of us is.  I, too, have internalized the negativity associated with sexuality and have been known to throw out a “f*ck you” or two when I’m angry, or just joking around.

What would happen if we started a movement toward seeing sex as the joyful, intimate, loving, spiritual, fun, holy, and f*cking awesome (notice the good use of the word “f*ck”) thing that it is?  What if we changed the way we use sexual words?

I think that would go a long way toward removing some of the shame that we have in our culture around sex.

My suggestion is this:  let’s start talking about sex more openly and more positively, and let’s start pointing it out when others reference sex  in a negative way.

The next time someone says “f*ck you” to you, you could switch things up by replying:  “You make that sound like a bad thing!”

Animal totems change throughout people’s lives, and I’m quite sure now that this owl is my animal totem since at least a year ago.  Determining which animal is your totem is not about simply seeing the animal here or there; it’s about the way in which the animal is seen.  It’s usually in a notable way. 

Last year I saw it at night, very close to me, and it looked right at me before flying across the road in front of me.  Shortly after that, I asked my spirit guides about it, and they asked me to recall if I had seen its eyes and what I saw there.  I immediately started crying, tears of joy.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but what I saw in that owl’s eyes was love.  Pure love.  So beautiful.  I imagine we would see that in all animals’ eyes if we were looking for it.

A few weeks ago, while jogging in the early morning, I saw an owl about fifteen feet in front of me on a wooded path.  I only saw the wings and the back of its head as it flew away.   But my intuition told me it was an owl, as much as the shape and size of the wings did. 

Then last week, I had another encounter with a Barred Owl.  It was early evening, but the sun was still bright.  Again, it flew right across the road in front of me, very slowly.  Then it went up and landed in a nearby tree.  I drove up beside it.  It had its back to me, and it turned its head right around, as only owls can do.  We looked each other in the eyes for a good long time before it turned its head back around to resume hunting.  That’s a good example of an unusual interaction with an animal. 

I looked up the meaning of the Barred Owl in particular.  It apparently can mean a couple of things:  one, people with this totem can appear threatening on the outside, but are actually very benign.  I believe this describes me perfectly.  I have a very strong personality and am very blunt at times.  A number of people have told me that they were scared of me when they first met me, only to realize later that I am more like the opposite of scary.    The other thing is that the Barred Owl can teach us how to use our voices to great effect.  If that means my virtual “voice”, as in putting my message out into the Universe, that’s good news! 

People can have more than one totem at the same time.  They appear at different times in our lives and tend to correlate with the life tasks or lessons of that period.  Any idea which totem(s) you have right now?  I’d love to hear about your own experiences or questions about them!

And then, just as I had been writing about love affairs and such this week, in my inbox was my daily Abraham quote that read:

That “death do us part” thing is a protective mechanism. It says, “I don’t trust me, and I don’t trust you to be in a place where we are evoking the best from each other. And so, just to make sure, let’s promise that even if we don’t, we’ll suffer it out together.” Every law, sacred or secular, that we have ever seen in your environment has always come from a place of disconnection, from a place of protectiveness.

Ummm, yeah.  I don’t think it was a coincidence that this came to my inbox when it did.  So I am sharing it with you.

And it expresses perfectly just what I had not been able to put my finger on.  My truth is this:  no one really, really, knows how long they are going to be with any partner in particular.  Of course, we would all like to believe that when things are going fabulously in our relationships, this is the one!  That special person we are going to be with forever.  Sounds like a Hallmark card, doesn’t it?

However, as I have learned from my non-physical friends and from my life experiences, it is rarely the case that two people’s souls plan to be monogamously together for a lifetime.

We have been told quite a different story, though, by our society.  We have been told that we are meant to be partnered, monogamously.  That we are to get married.  That we are to stay married forever.   And that the only way we can get off the hook on this one is if our partner dies before we do.  This could be a long wait.  Just sayin’. 

And in the meantime, so many couples have “suffered it out together”, all because they have been told a bunch of stories that weren’t true.

I’m not suggesting that we do away with marriage.  I’m suggesting that in this case, as in all things in life, we would be much better served to check in with ourselves and see what our desires are before making decisions.  That we live by choice, not by default.

What if those whose souls truly, deeply wanted to be monogamous with each other chose that, and the rest chose polyamory?

What if those “affairs” weren’t really affairs anymore, and were simply loving another person in addition to the partner(s) we already loved?

What if people learned to trust themselves and each other?

What do you think the world would be like if all those things came to pass?

I think it would be a much happier place!  There would be honesty, integrity, deep connection, incredible learning and growth, and most of all- more love shared!

We could all drop the judgment of ourselves and others for our choices in S.E.X. and love. Polyamorists could allow for those that chose monogamy to be “right” just as they are “right”.  Monogamists could reciprocate that respect.  Because we would not have to continue to push against anything at all.  We wouldn’t have to feel the need to make others “wrong” so we could be “right”.  We could think of our choices instead in terms of what serves us best, not in terms of right or wrong, black or white.  Instead of either/or we could move to the more abundant perspective of both/and.  Ahhhh…..how does that feel?  To me, it feels more spacious.

When a couple has been together for a while, things are naturally not as exciting as they used to be.  Those hormones that I mentioned earlier wear off and are replaced with some that still feel like love, but more like familial love, in a sense.  They can start to feel like they’ve lost that spark for each other.  In a monogamous relationship/marriage, this usually leads to the couple either living in a less-than-alive-state for the rest of their lives (as in “til death do us part”) or to ending the relationship, with or without cheating having occurred first.  Those couples faced with limited options still love each other.

Occasionally,  the couple will work on re-igniting their relationship and will arrive back at a place of deep happiness together, but that is all too rare, in my opinion.  And my hunch is that it only works with couples whose souls actually want to be monogamous.  This does not describe the souls of the majority of couples in monogamous relationships today.

If, however, the couple had decided to become polyamorous, one or both of them would likely fall in love with someone else.  Now, I understand some of you may be thinking that would spell disaster for the original relationship.  However, if it is done transparently, allowing for the processing of issues and feelings as they come up, it can actually result in the original relationship being renewed and enhanced.   Think about it:  at least one of the partners is now feeling more alive.  They are having more experiences about which they are excited.  They’ve got that spring back in their step.  Their sex drive is enhanced.  And they are bringing that new level of aliveness back to their original relationship.  That sh*t is contagious!  And that’s when the bliss of a love “affair” as well as the deep bond and connection of a long-term relationship can be enjoyed for all the benefits they have to offer.

And, I’d like us to rethink the whole thing.  I’m not saying that people should have more affairs, or even that they are not “wrong” in the sense that the people involved are out of integrity.

I’m saying let’s take a step back and look more closely at just what a love affair is.  Why are people so drawn to them?  What happens to the two people involved in an affair?

Generally, they fall in love.  You remember, right?  That feeling of walking on air.  That feeling that nothing can get in the way of your happiness.  That feeling that not only is the other person just absolutely amazing and fabulous and wonderful, but you are too?  The chemical cocktail that naturally brings on all those feelings also brings on an almost undeniable desire to have S.E.X., S.E.X. and more S.E.X.  When was the last time you felt that?

And what do you think that is?  It is the feeling of being alive, fully alive.  It is the feeling of lighting up in another person’s presence.  It’s the feeling of love.  It’s the feeling of union with another human being and with God/dess through S.E.X. (which does not necessarily involve sex).

And that feeling of being alive is often lost in the long term relationships and marriages that people are in when they have these affairs.  They get into routines.  They take their partners for granted.  When the brain becomes habituated to the same things over and over, the person experiences less happiness over time.  Research supports this.

In and of themselves, joy and love and bliss and ecstasy and union with the Divine are good things.

What’s not so good is the part about being out of integrity, (but we will address that another time).

What’s also not so good is all the judgment and criticism and making wrong that often comes along with affairs.   Really, it’s okay to cut people (including yourself) some slack- to forgive, to stop the mocking and judging.   It’s the real Godly thing to do.

I invite  you to take a deep breath and make some space in your heart and mind, and see what your thoughts and feelings are about this.  Feel free to share.

What is an attraction, anyway?  Does it have to mean:  “I want to have sex with you?”  What if we simply defined attraction as being lit up in the presence of another person?  

Many times, in our heterosexual relationships, it’s the soul we’re most attracted to anyway, not the body.  Does the sex of another person make their soul more or less attractive to us? Does is have to, or is that simply what we’ve been conditioned to believe it “should” be like?

I’ve noticed that for women it is generally more acceptable to acknowledge an attraction.   Women hold hands in public sometimes, or walk arm in arm without everyone assuming they’re gay.  They also dance together.  They are more likely to exchange hugs and kisses when they greet each other.  And a woman is more likely to admit to noticing how beautiful another woman is, how nicely she dresses, or how good she smells.

When it comes to men, however, it’s a different story.  I can only think of one man I know who identifies as being straight and admits to a “man crush” or two.  Men who are not lovers don’t walk down the street and hold hands (at least not in American culture, anyway).  Or dance with just each other on a dance floor.  Many men won’t even admit they can tell the difference between an attractive man and an unattractive man.  When asked, they say things like:  “I mean, I don’t know…’cause I’m a guy.”  I call bullshit on that one.  That’s manspeak for:  “I’m afraid you’ll think I’m gay if I even say another man is good-looking.”

To take it a step further, (because you know I always like to push the envelope), what if we just completely threw out the whole concept of sexual orientation and labels completely?  What if men and women simply did what felt good to them in the moment?  What if it were acceptable for everyone to express their affection for one another, whether it were man/woman, woman/woman, or man/man, to the extent that they desired and within the limits of their agreements?

When I was a little girl I used to have a friend in the neighborhood that I played with.  She was a girl my age.  I was probably only five or six before she moved away.  I remember sitting out in front of my house with her and sticking out our tongues and touching them together, and then laughing.  It was fun.  It felt good.  And it was natural, apparently, because we were doing it, and there was no one there to tell us it was wrong or bad or that we weren’t “supposed to”. What if we all acted more like a couple of five year old girls, uninhibited and free?

Or, in a more current example, I had a female friend over the other night to watch a movie.  We didn’t curl up on the couch together and cuddle.  But we could have.  What would that mean?  Well, I guess it would mean we like each other.  I guess it would mean that’s what we wanted to do in the moment.  I guess it wouldn’t have to mean anything.

My guess is that if we let go of all the meanings and the labels and went around expressing our attractions for one another, regardless of whether those attractions were for men, women, or both, we’d all be having a lot more fun.  And sharing a lot more love.

So here’s what happened.  Last week, I had very transparently expressed some envy I had been feeling toward a friend whose life had become, in my perception, “magical”.  She had recently had some huge breakthroughs in her career, and I was making up a story that she had “made it” and I was not where I should be, would never make it, blah, blah, blah.  (By the way, when I say, “blah, blah, blah”, I mean:  think of that voice from Charlie Brown when the adults are talking; meaningless chatter.  That’s  my ego carrying on.)

It was hard for her to hear my truth, and she loves me so much that after she expressed her sadness, she said she wanted to help me move through this.  And she did.

A more balanced view of the situation is this:  she has connected to Source in a way that has at times made her life seem magical.  Things are easier for her, in some ways, than they’ve ever been.  She often does not need to plan things, they just come through her when the time arrives.  And, life is not easy for anyone all the time.  This “magic” has also come about because of the very deep work she has been doing on herself.  And that kind of deep work involves emotional pain.  It’s not like anyone gets to a certain place and has “arrived”. The learning edges keep appearing, growth continues, and pain is still a part of it.

So I went forward with renewed hope and faith in myself, to keep plugging away, putting one foot in front of the other, even if sometimes I don’t even know where the path leads.  (Usually, truth be told!)  And I reconnected spiritually at a deeper level.  More meditation.  More prayer.  More asking for help.

And then I had a magical session with a client.  I knew a number of things I would have had no way of knowing had I not been so plugged in.  I used my knowing, my body sensations, and other psychic tools to help this client get have a breakthrough in one of the most challenging areas of her life.   And I felt completely confident in my knowing and my being of service to her.  It was a very joyful experience for me, to be so much in the flow.  In fact, it was magical.  Ah, I thought, that’s how easy it can be!

Afterwards, I was feeling so much love and appreciation for myself, and that’s when the phrase came:  “I am a gem.”  As I prepared to burn the sage I always burn when a client leaves my office, I knew that I had just experienced a taste of what my friend has been experiencing for a long time.  And I got it at a cellular level:  It’s not that she’s special.  It’s that she surrendered the fear, the resistance, the ego, enough to let the magic happen.  And I can do it too.  And so can you.  It’s not that my friend is special.  It’s that we all are.

The more you love yourself, the easier it is to love others and  the more you will notice things to love about them.

You will not be jealous of others’ good points when you know you have many of your own.  You will realize that each person simply has different lovable things that make up who they are.  There is no scarcity of loveable traits to go around.

Lately, I have been communicating what I call my “bursts of love” for my friends.  When I feel a sudden burst of love for someone, whether it’s in person or seeing their name in a game of Words With Friends (my current addiction ), I tell the person.  And then I get the added benefit of marinating in all the juicy love between us.

Or, I may have a simple compliment to give someone.  Last week I was noticing how a certain color that one of my clients was wearing looked really good with her complexion.  The color of her sweater matched the orange and pink undertones in her skin, and made her seemingly glow.  I wrestled for a moment over whether it was “appropriate” for me to speak my observation out loud…then I decided that giving a compliment is almost always appropriate, when the intention behind the compliment is pure.  And so I shared it.

I have told total strangers that I liked an item of clothing they were wearing.  And they have told me.

I have told my daughter more often when she looks beautiful, even when I know that my comment may be met with disagreement or the well-known eye roll.

One of my observations about being generous with my love toward others is that sometimes people seem extraordinarily happy when I do.  I don’t mean something like smiling and saying “thank you”.  I mean make-their-day kind of happy.  The kind of event that happens for someone just at the time when they need it most.  And means so much to them.

And, in the process of all this, I’ve noticed myself receiving more compliments,too.

Love begets love.  The more I love myself and notice the good things about myself, the more I do the same with others.  The more I share that love with others, the more it is multiplied.  And reflected back to me.  And before I know it, there’s an outright love-fest going on (and for once, I’m not making a sexual reference)!  And that, I am sure, there is not a thing wrong with!

Resolve that the next time you think something nice about someone, you will communicate it in some way.  Even if it’s a small appreciation, even if you’re scared the other person will think you’re nuts, or in love with them, or whatever the case may be.

I would love to hear about your experiences doing this!

Oh, and by the way, I’m feeling a burst of love for you right now!